I have received many angry comments about my blog post on Liza Long. I would like to clarify a few matters.
Some people have written that I must have criticized Long because I am not a parent. In fact, it is precisely because I am a parent that I wrote what I did. Children deserve privacy, especially troubled children. A child does not deserve to have his mother embark on a media tour promoting him as a future mass murderer.
It is hard to dismiss Long’s blog as satire or hyperbole, as some commenters have written, when she has threatened to jail her own child. Read in context with her viral post, her previous posts are disturbing and should be taken seriously. Parenting is the hardest thing a person can do, and every parent feels frustration and anger towards their children at some point. But most of us do not blog about it using our child’s picture, under our real names. Her child’s privacy and reputation have been irrevocably damaged. If he gets the help he needs, he will still have his mother’s cruel words following him online for the rest of his life.
I hope this family gets compassion and support. I hope Long’s call for better mental health services and understanding of the pressures parents face is heeded. The points Long made in her post were important. But she did not need to hurt her son to make them.
Over the past few days, we have had a number of calls for “national conversations” – about guns, about mental health, about safety. We need to have a national conversation about the online privacy of children. Mothers should protect their children, not exploit them for media attention.
The Long family deserves help and understanding, but above all, her children deserve privacy. Long seems to have little interest in this and is embarking on a media tour tomorrow. I hope she changes her mind for the sake of her son.
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she’s a freaken pyscho trying to capitalize on the tragedy in Newton. thanks for sharing
If by she you mean Sarah, then I agree.
you do realize that saying things like “psycho” as a derogatory term is exactly part of the problem here, right?
Perhaps the trouble, then, is that your original post was not a thoughtful argument for the privacy rights of children so much as a petty character assassination.
I read Liza’s blog, at length. The extent to which you divorced excerpts from their context was so willfully misleading that I can hardly believe your post–with its perfectly poised SEO-grabbing title–was anything but an attempt to capitalize on the attention Ms. Long is receiving. The very attention for which you are so sternly maligning her.
As a writer, you should know that the emphasis of an argument is most simply judged by how many words are dedicated to serving it. To that end, I ask: how many words did you use to discuss the privacy rights of children? How many did you use to attack the character of a woman whom you’ve never met?
I hope Boise PD is aware of this family.
Thank you for posting this. I was deeply disturbed reading this woman’s blatant comparison of her own son to evil mass murderers. Yes her son is troubled, but she seems to not know the difference between fits of anger, and shooting up a school. I was also disturbed by the amount of support she seemed to get in the comments. I do not support this woman, and reading her other blog posts came as no shock to me at all, but I think anyone in the media championing her as a hero has a responsibility to read them.
Bravo! I don’t know what people are reading, but in her blog she sounds insecure, obsessed with death, and full of delusions of grandeur/self-importance. Sound familiar? I am not scared OF her kids, I am scared FOR her kids. I don’t care how much stress you have – you do not dream about stabbing your kids. She needs HELP!!
You are still not addressing the majority of negative comments on your blog post, which pointed out the many inaccuracies of your comments and interpretations and how you took this stranger’s remarks completely out of context and tried to give them a meaning they clearly didn’t have. People aren’t saying you’re misunderstanding “satire”–they’re saying the tone of the comments is typical parent blogging and that, in fact, you pulled comments and made them sound like something they weren’t–while getting certain facts wrong. When all this was pointed out to you (on twitter, mostly), you retreated to “I’m concerned about the son” and have refused to address your many, many mistakes and misinterpretations. I happen to agree with you about writing about children and privacy, but your tactics and motives are dishonorable and your blog post was ridiculous. “I don’t like to judge people by a blog post” hahahahaha. You need to recognize your culpability here and stop being defensive because you started the fight and didn’t fight fair (own up to your errors).
You’ve done more damage to this child and his family than you accuse the mother of doing. And you may be a parent, but there’s no way you’ve dealt with a truly mentally ill family member (as I have; as my husband has). Your lack of compassion is stunning.
Exactly right. Willfully misleading.
I totally agree with you, and I think you’ve given credit and criticism to Ms. Long’s blog posts where appropriate. Her main article is important as a cry for help and call to action, but it would be very dangerous to set her up as being an enlightened or faultless.
I too was disturbed by the content of Ms. Long’s blog posts, and even more shocked by the vitriol against you bringing these posts to light. I am not a parent. But I was a teacher–a teacher who blogged, at that–and as I teacher I understood that no matter how frustrated I was, I had to treat my students and their privacy with the utmost sensitivity, always, no excuses. Destroying that trust ruins your credibility.
As a teacher or parent, you have to be the adult, even in the face of overwhelming irritation. It’s part of the job. Sure, the world is a tough place and kids need to develop a thick skin, but the world will give that to them anyway. They don’t need the people piling on them that they’re supposed to be able to depend on unconditionally.
Just because “mommy blogs” are apparently a thing doesn’t mean they’re right. If this kid ever read his mother’s blog, which is quite easily located, I’m quite sure it wouldn’t be received as “oh, my poor, addled mommy’s just blowing off steam with sarcasm and hyperbolic wit”. It would be a horribly scarring experience. I love my own mother dearly, but I remember some of the sarcasm that slipped out in times of frustration much more clearly than I remember the numerous spankings I got when I misbehaved as a child. Lord knows what it would have done to my young psyche to read stuff like Ms. Long writes about her children online.
Indeed, this. Deeply flawed original post, back-peddling follow-up post. I am incredibly disappointed in someone who, by training, should have known how to craft a thoughtful and meaningful argument based on solid evidence, not quotes stripped of their context.
Are you really this much more disturbed by a mother’s frustration with a mentally ill child than you are over the death of 26 people at the hands of a mentally ill son WHO KILLED HIS MOTHER? You are in over your head trying to justify this. You are not bigger than this. Step away from the keyboard.
Her twitter about me says she plans to take over the world. She’s doing this to become famous, her 13 year old isn’t her priority at all. And he’s not the next Adam Lanza, he’s just another troubled teen with a bad parent.
I read Long’s blog and I agree with others that in your original post, you were not in the least bit concerned with the son’s privacy. You also willfully took her blog quotes out of context to malign Long as a mentally unfit mother. As for, “The points Long made in her post were important. But she did not need to hurt her son to make them.” The reason why Long’s original post was so effective was that she was telling her personal story. There was no other way to do it. I applaud her for telling her story. If we want to prevent more Newtowns, Aurora, and Columbines, we have to do something to help these disturbed youths.
There is a difference between the average mommy thinking out loud that they would like to throttle their children and a person who says it with just a little too much conviction. Or regularity. Her blog is neither funny nor interesting – it is a disturbing view on life riddled with anger, condescension, and anecdotes about death. Not to mention a clear right-leaning agenda. I know what a freakin mommy blog sounds like, so spare me. She has nothing to do with those poor children and her capitalizing on it makes me want to puke.
Yes. Thank you for putting my thoughts into words.
I do feel you jumped to conclusions about this mother and her motives. It is obvious that she is overwhelmed and frustrated by mothering challenged pubescent boys. I saw a video about a mother of autistic sons and I wanted to run screaming from the theater. It was really demanding and difficult. There were days when she was at wits end.
This entire family needs help. “Outing” her and accusing her of ill will is more damaging than her cries for help in her blog.
Sarah – all I can say is THANK YOU!
I tried to leave a comment on the other post but could not.
As a mental health advocate for 13 years, I am very attuned to the complexity of both mental health conditions and our mental-health “system.”
When I read the “I am Adam’s Mother,” I immediately saw red flags. This was more than a deeply frustrated mother, and I know hundreds if not thousands of parents deeply frustrated in trying to deal with the symptoms of their children with psychiatric or neurocognitive conditions. This was a raging narcissist out for glory, no doubt a book contract. And willing to do it on the backs of her children (if they even exist).
The fact that all my progressive friends on Facebook shared that horrifying piece as “important” and “poignant” and “something everyone should read” — was even more horrifying. How could they not see the problems therein. How could they be so swift to believe everything this woman says, without question. Especially questioning her breaking every rule in the “dealing with a child’s mental illness” book, including threatening — actually THREATENING — her son with a visit to the mental hospital if he didn’t behave. As if a threat like that will somehow correct his troubled neural pathways.
Mental health IQ is horrible in this country. Progressives happily get on the anti-Big Pharma bandwagon at most every opportunity, when they’re not busy promoting marijuana as healthy. Right-wingers say the answer is more guns and longer prison sentences.
We have such a long way to go. I really appreciate your taking the time to share the same thoughts I had this morning, after reading her post and then taking the trouble to read the rest of her blog. Troubling indeed. All of it.
As for all the people who criticized your post, I saw very little rational thinking and lots of self-referential defenses.
“I feel uncomfortable speculating about someone’s private life based on a blog.”
Could have fooled me.
I find it absolutely fascinating that you don’t even begin to try to justify your complete inability to read with comprehension, in particular as regards the “Bag That Mountain” or Abraham/Isaac post. Perhaps because you knew exactly how intellectually dishonest you were being, and know that there is no justification for what you have done. (I have no dog in this fight; I had no knowledge of her before today, although I am now concerned about her and her son, and I certainly had no prior reason to criticize you or prior knowledge of you. It is your behavior and that alone that has prompted me to write.)
I think you’ve made a thoughtful argument here for the privacy rights of children. That said, Ms. Kendzior did nothing of the sort in either her original post or this ersatz follow-up.
Regarding Ms. Long, this is the trouble with the internet: nobody has set her up as enlightened or faultless. She is simply a mother who expressed her perspective, who has consistently expressed her perspective for some time with her blog. I doubt she imagined the post would garner the attention it has. She lives in Boise, for christ’s sake. That she is now being subjected to malicious pseudo-scrutiny says less about her as a mother or a person than it does about us as a collective society.
If LL were my mother, I’d have fits of anger, too.
Well said. And I bet your mother never threatened to take you to a mental hospital if you didn’t behave, as Liza Long claims she did. (Honestly, we don’t know what is the truth about this woman or her children.)
Absolutely right on the money. Being a thing doesn’t mean they’re a good thing. Back in college, “things” like that were written on Live Journal and made friends only. You can write things privately on the internet, but only if you will them to be private. I cannot imagine another kid at Ms. Long’s kids’ school coming up to them and saying, “Hey, your mom wants to strangle you.” How utterly terrible. (And teenage kids find everything.)
Also, my mother always told me (aside from “don’t air all of our family dirty laundry on the internet, dear”) that she was always scared for kids who got yelled at in really negative, demeaning ways or hit or whatever in stores, because that’s what the parents do in public. What’s to keep them from doing much worse behind closed doors?
As the parent of a special needs child I found so much common ground in Lisa’s post. HOW is her son being exploited? Had you ever been in a situation mildly similar to one of hers, you would understand the frustration that comes from begging for help. As she knows all too well, the mom who pleads for help is often picked apart and and dismissed. So what if she does have mental issues of her own? Is that not a reason to help even more? Why do you feel the need to attack someone who is standing up and saying she cannot do it all, and there are many of us out there in the same boat. God forbid she should try to have a little humor about her situation. Just because you don’t see the humor, or the therapy in her writing, doesn’t mean she’s a horrible person. Shame on you for judging another mother because she is willing to lay it all out there. No wonder people feel the need to hide their “differences.”
This. She’s exploiting her children and this horrible incident for attention to her blog. No sane mother would 1. Put up a picture of her child on the internet for the general public to see and then invite the world to see him/her, and 2. Post anything of this nature that could possibly be damning or damaging to her child… Just look at the fodder she’s given her ex-husband, who doesn’t seem that stable himself. This family needs some serious help. These “Mommy-bloggers” need to really think about what kind of information that put into the public domain about their children, it’s pathetic.
NE1 and ChicagoMom3, you both seem like morons. I read through Long’s entire blog. I don’t find her tone nor her quirkiness appealing, but I certainly do not fear for her children, at all. Should she have compared her son to those shooters? Probably not without the safety of anonymity. But if you’ve ever taken care of a violent child, that thought crosses your mind. I am an ER doctor and have taken care of countless teens who present needing a psychiatric evaluation for violent behavior. Parents often deal with fear for their own safetly as well as that of their children, and it’s entirely valid to wonder if that behavior will escalate someday to killing.
I do question her posting her son’s picture and, if she is writing under her real name, this identifies him as the subject of the post. I think that was a poor, poor choice.
But for Ms. Kendzior to “clarify” that her primary concern was the child’s privacy is completely disingenuous. She devoted very little space in her original post to addressing privacy concerns. She then goes on to completely misread a fairly straightforward mommy blog in a way that maligns the author’s character. It is a credit to Ms. Kendzior’s readers that rational adults are able to read Ms. Long’s blog for what it is and isn’t.
Ms. Kendzior, shame on you for your first post. It was a failed attempt at character assassination and a gross misread. Honestly, if you cannot understand a straightforward mommy blog with a pinch of nuance, how valid are your more complex analyses of social media and politics in Uzbekistan?
And shame on you twice for a disingenuous follow-up. If your concern was the child’s privacy, don’t offer a hyperlink to the original post. Spend more time discussing your concern. As it stands, it looks like a shallow attempt to deflect attention from your shoddy first analysis and resulting yellow journalism.
Thanks for a rational voice in this argument. I find MS Kendzior witch hunt style far more disturbing than an overburdened mother’s complaints and hyperbole.
Well said. I have to say I have one adult child (altho he’ll always be my baby) and I ask him which things I can share and which I can’t. Same with DIL and my hubs. They are more important than desperate race for more “likes” and “follows”. If they say no, no means no.
As a pediatrician AND a parent at first I was hopeful when I read Liza Long’s post. I have encountered and treated violent kids before, and this was an important aspect of the Newtown tragedy to address. However, I was disturbed when I continued through the original post. It sounded “right” on the surface, the mother sounding so sympathetic, but it felt to me like she was setting this kid up. When I clicked around and realized the source was the “anarchist soccer mom” it made sense. I have turned away from her blog in the past because it sounded like the entire family was narcissistic, and/or borderline and abusive. She’s not just “being sarcastic” or “exaggerating”, there’s a real thread of anger and viciousness that you don’t usually feel running through someone’s writing on their children. There’s a difference between “telling it like it is” and painting a picture of your son as a madman.
Incidentally, it is a characteristic of borderline individuals that they bring out strongly polarized reactions in those around them. Certainly what we’re seeing here. This is NOT a typical family, even for a child with special needs, or explosive outbursts or OCD.
I also agree with others that she has jeopardized the well being of her entire family, even if she is using a pseudonym. She provides enough detail that it wouldn’t be hard for anyone in her community to identify them, or her son, for the REST OF HIS LIFE.
But what this really tells me, is that our health and mental health community has failed this family. Clearly, they all have problems and Liza Long needs to have her own needs met so that they’re not met online in this inappropriate, public, damaging way for her kids. She’s using the blog as a public place to display her son’s bad behavior. So that she can be excused for her reaction to it.
Nancy Lanza was getting $240k a year in alimony. she was rich. she didn’t need money for
mental health services. As the custodial parent of the shooter, she was negligent. http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/adam-lanza-20-deeply-disturbed-kid-article-1.1220752
I am disappointed that so many people are taking Liza Long’s story at face value and leaping to her defense. The fact that she would put her child in the spotlight complete with his picture and enough information to personally identify him should be a huge red flag to everyone that this woman isn’t the best model of sanity herself. The whole blog post reads like a case of Münchausen by proxy.
thank you and I wholeheartedly agree. First she didn’t get her facts straight about Nancy Lanza’s financial situation, second the shooter had Aspergers which is not a affliction which makes one violent, and third her exposing her child like she has is utterly shameful. Child protection services should be notified.
Knowing the difference between fits of anger and shooting up a school is nearly impossible. That’s why these kind of events occur, and that’s why those who knew the killer are always so surprised after. “I knew he was disturbed, but…”
I am a lawyer who litigates many custody cases, and it is quite clear what is happening. The children are acting out because their parents are acting like children. Who typically blogs about their ex-boyfriends online for the world to see how horrible they are? High schoolers. Who is doing just that here? A mother of four. While it is crystal clear that one of her children has serious psychiatric needs, Ms. Long should seriously consider acting like a role model, rather than a self-centered, self-righteous adolescent who happens to be a talented writer. In my custody cases, the children always act out when their parents begin acting like children. Ms. Long should not expect a different result in her own family.
Most likely they are.
What causes you to say that? It’s pretty obvious who’s rational and who isn’t. Even reading the original “Liza Long” story, something seemed off.
How about not undertaking psychological diagnosis unless you are a professional who sees all the family members in interaction with each other? I don’t take her story as the only story but by God I know enough to know that you can’t read a blog on the internet and armchair quarterback someone else’s life. It says more about you than her that you do so.
What makes you say that? It’s obvious which of them is the more rational.
I felt the same way the first time I read this last night and cannot understand the unwavering support this nut job continues to receive. Every last part of he garbage I have read is more sickening than the pony loaf I had read before from her. She can’t guarantee the safety of all of her children (see her safety plan), she describes inadequate help and services available for her son. The services that her son needs from this rant ARE available for FREE but wonder mom won’t take advantage of the because her son would be incarcerated for the 4 or 5 felonies she outlined in her expose. I thought this hack was exactly that when I first read it and I am dumbfounded by the overwhelming. What I really wish I had access to was her face when she found out her husband had started dating while still married to her. Throughout all of her writings there is not one instance where she ever blames herself, and before the Mommyblog brigade assembles into attack formation, her son’s situation is not one to assign blame her overall tone is that she is perfect and everyone else is messed up. This women is OVERWHELMED, she married a lawyer and was content to coast until death did them part and that plan changed, the reality check that should have been never took place.
This lady is nuts, she ought to log off and raise her kids.
There is very little to be gained by rejecting an experience, no doubt private, that someone has chosen to share with the world. It IS an act of bravery, not of selling out her children. The tradition of criticizing another’s way of parenting is not only archaic, but also reeks of self-congratulating and gloating at the ability to keep one’s own dirty laundry under wraps. Instead of heaping shame on someone who has chosen to speak out, one should learn what one can from those experiences. This is what intelligent discourse and critical listening is all about. Oh, and also that little thing called empathy.
Never would’ve happened without the mother pimping the kid out for exposure
Fuck you, douchebag. Liza Long is a crazy ass bitch and you are a bunch of cocksuckers supporting her psycho cause.
blah blah blah. stupid bitches yall. go suck lizas ass
You caught me! I am really a moron!! (You know you are really in a bad place when someone who calls themselves “doctuh” thinks you are too stupid to form your own opinion.). Honestly, will you please send me your info so that you can tell me what I should be thinking and feeling at all times? Clearly you are the smartest, most informed person in the world. Ever.
clearly the focus of this whole thing is on the wrong people. Evidence this!
Ex-husband doesn’t seem that stable how, cuz this whacko said so? Not stable because he had an affair, with someone much younger and prettier, than a blowhard unaccountable know-it-all? Unstable because “he put the family in therapy” (sic) because he most likely involved the police in one of these meltdowns to protect the other children in the home? Unstable because he works and likely has to watch 70% of his income go to a woman who freely publishes pictures of their 13 year old son in an attempt to have the other mommy bloggers re-affirm how important and oppressed she is?
The said thing is, if this kid goes to school and hurts your kid or mine or worse, this woman would blame your child because of how her kid is.
She’s the one who would benefit greatly from a stay in a mental hospital. No wonder her son wanted to kill her. I would too if this witch was my mother.
YES!!! The unwavering support for this women is sickening in a different way.
Discipline your children, the pain of regret is much worse than the pain of discipline.
She’s being treated as a hero while her son is being fucked over. That’s just messed up. Really fucked up.
You nailed it. I hope everyone reads this.
Isn’t it weird that commenters here dismiss Long’s online bursts of violent thoughts towards her children as hyperbole and totally natural for any parent to have. Yet the premise of Long’s article–that which gives force to her opinion–is that her own child’s violent outbursts and exclamations are serious threats and indicative of the “special needs” of the child.
I think Long is in “special need” of better parenting skills–and help, in that regard. She seems like a particularly poor parent regardless of whether her children have mental health issues. As are many parents in this country. We could stand to work on quite a few things in this country including gun control and mental healthcare. We should add parenting to that list too.
To clarify, my comment was in reply to wickedmuse.
Yeah, something’s not right. It’s pretty clear to me that she has got some serious issues and needs some treatment. Even a mental hospital.
from the moment i read her blog i was outraged and could not understand why EVERYONE of my friends, with special needs kids were reposting. i am the mother of a special needs child and i myself have had my own mental health issues in my early 20’s and spent some time in a hospital. i can not even begin to imagine how isolated i would feel if my family, especially my mother referred to a hospital that would help me, as a MENTAL HOSPITAL. with those two words, liza long lost all credibility with me. i was so relieved to see all of the counter blogs to liza long, the narcissist. i hope that she receives the help that she needs.
After reading everything, I can’t help but thing that nutbaggery is genetic. Plus she’s a Mormon, which doesn’t help.
Yep. Learning by example.
I have worked with lots and lots of kids and parents. I agree with other professionals who immediately saw red flags when reading Liza Long’s post — aside from the self – serving title and timing to capitalize on a tragedy. I will not go through all of them, but the #1 thing that should stand out to both professionals & lay people should be that Ms. Long took absolutely ZERO responsibility and went to great lengths to paint her son as a BAD human being. I am not a mommy blog expert, but other moms usually contain lots of self-deprecating humor; and there is an undercurrent of love even as there is frustration.
In my professional experience w/ thousands of kids; the very few kids that I believe could potentially be a danger to others shared one trait – parents who were “in denial” about the seriousness of the child’s problem and who went to extraordinary lengths to attempt to conceal / minimize the true depths of the child’s problems. NONE of them ever tried to convince me that their child was “bad”. Not one. In fact, I can only think of one subset of parents/guardians/adults who communicate about children in a such purely negative way as Ms. Long’s “My Son is Adam Lanza” post.
Ms. Long’s post described her decision to pick a fight with her son before school, a school she stated provides her son with special contained services; then, at the school, she chooses to escalate a disagreement with her son; ultimately choosing to threaten him with committing him to a mental hospital and then driving him to the hospital — this is NOT effective or acceptable behavior for any parent and especially not for the parent of a child known to resort to violence. Not only did she intentionally escalate a volatile situation – endangering herself & her son; she claims to have done it while driving – endangering anybody on the road with her.
In my own professional experience, I have NEVER worked with a child whose problems existed in isolation; hence “family dynamics”.
I do not know how much of Liza Long’s internet existence is or isn’t real. I pray that she does not actually have children and this blog is a hoax for attention; and in that case, I pray she gets the professional help that she needs. If she does have children in her care, I hope that a knowledgeable Guardian Ad Litem will be appointed to represent the interests of the child(ren), assess the current living situation / dynamics, and insure that they are getting the professional help and support they need.
For those defending Liza Long’s posts and opining that comparing one’s child to a mass murderer immediately following a tragedy for personal attention and gain, I am baffled. However, I want all parents to know that there are effective resources available including parenting training and support groups LED by PROFESSIONALS – showcasing your ineffective parenting by complaining & criticizing your kids online and encouraging others to do the same is NOT a parenting support group any more than getting drunk together in a group is a helpful strategy for alcoholics.
Those interested in improving parenting skills should check out “From Chaos to Calm” by Sharon Weiss. And CHADD.org offers an outstanding 7 week Parent to Parent Course — which is useful for anybody who works with kids whether or not they are dealing with AD/HD.
We absolutely have a mental health crisis in this country, but the viral spread of Liza Long’s post hurts both her son and the chances for constructive discussion.
Thank you for this. I’m appalled that people are still trying to defend Liza Long. Really? An adult versus a defenseless child? It’s absurd that people are excusing flat out threats to a child’s life and safety.
I’ve had a few moments when I felt like Liza Long’s child. But my mom did things differently. I’ve written a post here. http://fromonesurvivortoanother.tumblr.com/post/38127588322/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother-makes-me-so-incredibly
Thanks, Gina, You make all kinds of sense. Isn’t it interesting how “progressives” think they are sooooooo much smarter than Sarah Palin when in fact they are so often just as tribal, ignorant, and self-righteous?
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